Une chanson pour tout dire

Back at home.

You know one thing that changes almost as much as people do? Music. Some days -- some of the hardest days are the ones during which I cannot tell which songs I most want to hear. When I can't place my mood, when I don't know the best way to properly feel, or properly suppress what I almost feel. Those days are hard.

Mostly, this hasn't been one of those days. There was time for Metric, time for Lady Gaga, time for Meatloaf and Muse --- and this evening, when I couldn't have picked out the proper songs, somebody sent me a playlist that fit almost perfectly.

And life throws curveballs sometimes. Tonight, I auditioned for a play for the first time in my life. I read a monologue -- in a British accent -- read with another person, and sang without a guitar or anything, while onstage. Those are huge steps for me, for those of you who don't know me. Theater is my sister's arena, as is singing. Two big steps for Emily.

And then, just now, I was on Facebook (why is it that my generation is so fascinated by it? Why is it that we have these connections with email and everything? Does it scare anyone else that things can be completely superfluous and new in society and then in an incredibly small ((relatively)) period of time, become nearly essential??? -- By this I mean cell phones. The Internet. Computers. Televisions. I say this as a happy member of the internet and cell phone system. It just scares me sometimes.) -- and I was talking to someone that I still (in my mind's eye --- what a weird expression) see as a six-year-old with spikey hair and too much energy for a nice evening with our two families together. And this "kid" tells me, out of the blue, that he's had rough stuff with drugs and girls this year, that he's suspended from school. I realize that he must be older now than I remember --- probably nearing 14 or 15 --- and, something else that caught me possibly more off-guard: he missed me.

I just -- I never thought he liked me all that much; he always got me confused with my sister. And does it sound weird to say that it didn't really matter to me? I guess not. I was older, he was younger --- and I was younger, too, if that makes sense. But all of a sudden, he's so open and so kind. I hope I see him soon. I feel like I have to re-meet all the people I met when we were young so that I can meet them as actual people now.

I think I need to do that with cities, too. Reacquaint myself with new eyes.

---and I also think it's time for bed. Sorry for the long break between posts. Being home has been more complicated than I expected.