Sayin' a quick 'hey'.

So, to my possibly non-existent readers (one follower as of now...thanks, friend! :D), I wanted to apologize for not writing very often this month. As some of you might now, my girlfriend has been visiting, and it makes very little sense for me to ramble about life here when I can just go live it with her, you know?

Soon, though, I'll be going back to school -- and she'll be gone -- and I'm sure there will be more writing then. I just wanted to keep you posted. : )

: (

So, I woke up sad. That's no fun, is it? I mean, especially because I can't pinpoint the reason.

Still, there's lots of things to be happy about. We just finished our second weekend of the show, and it has been going wonderfully. I've heard comments all around town about it, my sister (the director) is very pleased, and the cast feels like a family (complete with those brothers and sisters that drive you UP THE WALL). Also, an AMAZING this is happening tomorrow --- I think just what it is can go without saying.

But feeling bummed out in the morning is no fun. I've found a few things to blame it on. 1) My foot -- I dropped boiling water on my foot the other day, and it is still in pain -- not hugely, it's completely tolerable, but it hurts enough to hinder my wanting to exercise, which makes me feel like a blob. 2) Money. Need I say more? It's complicated and it sucks. 3) I don't know. :(

Okay, I need to go and work this out of my system. See you later, all.

I could really use a hug right now.

One Bad Apple opened last night. We had a wonderful audience who laughed and gave us so much energy, and the cast took that energy and ran with it, and it was an AMAZING opening night. Absolutely fantastic. I want to send my thanks out to everyone who made it possible for this to happen. (Sidenote -- when I was little, I used to imagine that when I was thinking of someone, a little beam of golden light was coming out of me and connecting me to the person that I was thinking of, and that if I thought of enough people at once ((used to be my way of praying, of giving thanks)), then I would just start to glow all over and be like a star...)

However, this morning, my sister and I noticed that our hamster, Fiona, wasn't looking so good. Fiona is actually the hamster of my sister and her roommate, and has been around for about a year, but she was staying with us over the summer. I don't want to drag out the story, but about two hours after we found her hunched over and breathing raggedly, she died. I -- can't bring myself to actually explain what happened, but she was in my hands, and I felt her shudder and her claws just began to clench all of a sudden and ----

I've never cried from fear before, but this was one of the scariest things that has happened to me in my life. Probably the scariest, watching something die in my hands.

We buried her. I'm still trembling and cannot believe it actually happened. I didn't know her very well at all -- I only saw her for a couple months this summer, but we certainly spent a lot of time together today. That was kind of huge. My thoughts are with my sister, who is really hurting about it. And my heart also goes to my other animals -- Abby, Tigger, Summer, and Cosmo --- they mean so much to me.

Only one night.

So, the play opens tomorrow. Tonight's dress rehearsal with preview audience went well enough -- they crowd was a quiet one, which no one was really expecting, but hopefully it will be livelier tomorrow. Everyone in the cast did a really good job, though.

And as for me, I also got my driver's license today. I was totally thrilled and was floating about it for a good hour after it happened.

Now, as it's getting near time to go to sleep, I'm feeling my mood begin to dip a little bit, and -- yeah. That's not so fun. I don't know if there's a real reason, but it is what it is. I think I will go to sleep so I can be rested for our wonderful show, and I hope everyone is enjoying their July.

Night night.

: )

Hey!

So, the last two nights (including this one), my shifts at work (a cafe) have ended around 11:15, hence the lack of writing, but I wanted to say that tonight, a lady not much older than I gave me a fifteen-dollar tip on a four-dollar drink because she read my tip jar and said she understood how hard it could be to pay for college.

It made me so happy and not just because of the money -- it made me promise myself that I would do something that nice for someone that I don't know at all someday.

So, maybe underneath it all, people are awesome. :)

A night of little rants...

Hey.

So, I was just sitting here, wondering what happened to the brilliant and bright mood that I was in when I left a fantastic play rehearsal, when my phone vibrated and I received a rather disappointing text, and then I realized that there were a few small, snippy thoughts in me, and that maybe if I vented them here, I'd feel better.

Here goes. (For anyone who sees me tomorrow, don't worry! These aren't huge things! I'm just trying to appease the beast, you know? The crabby mood. Anything to make it go away!)

1 - The world of cell phones has brought about a whole new bundle of problems. For one, my generation has slipped into texting and picture taking and calling and everything, and I don't have a problem with it and I don't think anyone should (when the use is within reason, you know?), and yet, and yet, when some (no offense) older person calls anyone out on it, or insults texting or something in general, I feel called to defend our actions, the actions of today's youth. Maybe this is my problem, but still -- why do we all have to gripe about change? I'm sure I'll do it when I'm old and my grandchildren are going joyriding in a hovercar, but.. I don't know. I don't like the blame.
Another cell phone problem -- one word texts! This comment may be lost on our older readers (If I have any), but for those of you who are at least near my age -- this problem is the one that prompted this post. I was involved in a conversation with a friend and wanted a real reply and got simply "Yeah." as a response, and --- well, the context is irrelevant. Sometimes it's annoying is all that I'm saying. Rants don't have to make total sense, right?

2 - Number two is more like a confession. It's about one of the people who I admire most musically and theatrically - Lady Gaga. I love her music -- completely love -- her songs have brought me to tears and I believe she has made incredible changes in our world. I admire completely the stance she has taken for LGBTQ rights, and -- I'm a fan, okay ? What are we called? Little Monsters? Yes. All of that. But -- sometimes, I see pictures, and I know that she dresses in these outfits so that no one has to feel strange or out of place or weird, so that everyone is welcome --- but sometimes I just think they're too strange. :( I know some pretty intense fans around whom I couldn't say this, but it's always on my mind when I see photos or videos of her.

(Whew. That felt good to say. Huh. What does it say about me that I hold something like that in? Something that has nothing to do with anyone that I know? I mean -- well, music is a very personal thing, and so are musicians for some folks, I guess. I suppose I'm protecting that.)

3 - I wish I wouldn't cry so easily at movies/books/music.

4 - I wish my parents weren't divorced.

5 - Sometimes, I wish we didn't have cats because I get irrationally angry when I find cat hair on my clothing, and then I look at them and know that they can't help it, and I feel bad for being angry with them.

6 - I don't know what I'm going to do when my dog dies. I think I won't think about it.

7 - I'm really nervous about going back to work at the café tomorrow. Odds are, I'm going to have forgotten something (it has been a year), and if nothing in the system there has really changed since I was there before, when that happens, I'm going to get hollered at. I don't like being yelled at. I don't think anyone does. I just hope I can hold that off, and remember that I am earning money again, which is a nice thing to keep in mind.

----

This has been E's crazy rant night, thanks for reading. We hope to join you with more sense and sensibility tomorrow or this weekend!

"In Your Heart"

That is the title of my song in the play (One Bad Apple). My character, Raphe, gets promoted to the rank of archangel in the first scene, in the middle of the first song. Through the play, he/she (it's a gender neutral role) I'd like to think that he/she grows in his/her role as archangel, and in the second act, the song comes around.

I don't know if many of you know my history with singing. My father is a great singer and musician (saxophone, bass, piano). My mother is a great singer and musician (oboe, violin, piano, guitar). My sister is a phenomenal singer. I dabble at singing. I'm not downplaying my musical senses -- it's true that I have been very lucky and have inherited a fairly good ear and the ability to remember songs in their original keys (though I do not have perfect pitch), and I have the ear to know when I am off if I am while singing, but not always the ability to correct it. And this is bothersome enough when one is in chorus in elementary school or singing in the shower.

More than half of this song is a solo for me. Very often, before the scene starts, I wonder why I accepted the role. Then, I get on stage, and the chorus comes on behind me and ---

Let me just let you know the energy of it. My song is a plea to Adam and Eve who have been thrown out of the Garden, asking them to pray to God to forgive them, because I think it's their last chance. They don't know how to pray, they don't think that God loves them. So my song, the main riff from it is me almost shouting "Do you think that God's up there?" and the chorus hollering back "NO! - Heaven isn't in the air." Then I respond with "Let your heart decide what's real!" and they reply "Heaven is what you feel." -- "Salvation is within your heart." That's my battle cry.

Considering the crazy transitions and contortions and transformations that my spirituality and faith have gone through, it's astounding just how much of this song that I happen to sing as this character really rings true for me. The sentiment of it at the very least.

And to have a gospel-style chorus backing me up on stage? How often in my life am I going to get to have a moment like that???

So tonight, at rehearsal, I got into it enough to stop being scared about how it sounded or how I looked. The chorus sounded fantastic, I was floating on all of their energy and throwing out sparks of my own, and I had the kind of moment afterwards that my sister, an experienced actress, has explained to me before -- the kind of thing I've only experienced with dance before. That being: you step off the stage and can't even really remember what happened when you were on stage. You were that in the moment.

-----

I guess I decided to give you a little detail about the play tonight. Maybe that's a good thing. Tonight's rehearsal really made an impression on me.

Alright. Now, I do believe it is time for bed.

(Side note - I have the hiccups now for the fourth time today. I really, reheheeeally (channeling Dr. Cox here) don't want that to happen during a performance!)

Dance in the Dark

Hey.

So, probably the most exciting part of today was cooking lunch (or rather reheating dinner, because it was so yummy yesterday) and then going to rehearsal. The play certainly is coming along -- people are actually getting into character, if only for short periods of time, and the music (though it needs some work) is improving. I am, as ever, terrified about performing my song, but the prospect of having an audience -- one that will (hopefully) laugh, clap, smile -- that's just plain thrilling.

The home-to-home shuffle is coming up, so tomorrow will be taken up partially by packing, and also practicing parallel parking, and possibly some sort of exercise.

mannomann, I really do like having a schedule. Summertime vs. Emily, the continuing battle!

THIS JUST IN:

This is very important. I mean, seriously, NEWS WORTHY.

I'm surprised the M'ville Tribune wasn't all over this...seriously.

So, while running errands the other day, an unprecedented event occurred.

In the same grocery store, at the same time, in the very same aisle --- were two of M'ville's possibly four homosexuals. !!!!!!

I'm serious. Me and the guy scanning my groceries -- who woulda thunk it.

Onward and Upward

So, I felt a little better today. For the past three or so days, I've had a bit of a cold/flu, but today was a definite improvement. I spent most of the day doing stuff, not just thinking about doing it.

I caught myself making a list of things I should do as I was trying to take a nap -- I don't know why my mind always seizes that tender time before sleep takes me over to rattle on about what I haven't done, but it sure does. However, I also got to thinking of a list that I found in a notebook that I had written in while in Thailand. In this notebook, I had a list consisting of probably more than 100 things that I told myself I should do/wanted to do my senior year back in PA. This list included things like playing guitar at nursing homes, meditating every day, getting a job (or more than one), going horseback riding, organizing a community carpooling system for grocery shopping, exercising every day, etc.....

SO, I got to thinking that maybe my pre-napping stress isn't something that I always have to listen to. Or maybe, when my head stresses in general and tells me all the things I "should" do, maybe I "should" (haha) practice not listening.

I know there's at least one person in my life who has told me to shake off the shoulds. I ought to listen to her. Still, listening and actually being able to do that -- it's rough. Pretty difficult.

Also, a random sidenote, I read up a bit on astrology today (which I still hold as a pseudoscience, though an entertaining one) and had a hilarious time with my mother and sister, hearing our personality traits portrayed rather accurately by this distinctly British text. It was lots of fun. :) I'd like to think that with my late July (and induced) birth, I retained all the best characteristics of both Cancer and Leo.

What do y'all think?

HAAHAA.

I just realized some of the similarities in the post I just wrote and the one before that. Sorry for being repeat-o-gal, folks. I don't mean to talk about the brilliance of life every time I write!!!

I'll try to change it up next time. :D

Ist das so?

(The title of a song that I enjoy by the band 'Wir sind Helden')

Hey, everyone.

I wanted to apologize to my ersatz audience for not writing in so long. In the past two weeks, I've been busy learning my lines to be Raphael the archangel in a play that my sister is directing, managing relations with family, watching the World Cup (DEUTSCHLAND!!! --- 4:0! Did everyone SEE that game???), trying to keep/get back into shape, and having a truly fantastic time in Europe.

Now I'm back at home and getting ready for performances in said play and getting ready to go back to work at the ol' café (where I used to work during high school).

When I was in Germany spending time with my girlfriend, I also spent time with some of her friends -- well, people I would also consider friends of mine. True, she gets to spend more time with them than I do. However, I just wanted to mention how incredible it is that I feel so connected to and understood by these fantastic people who I have only ever seen for about a month out of my 19 years-minus-seventeen-days. That's pretty damn neat.

It's like these new college friends that I have. I mean, it happens to almost everyone -- going to college, you get these friends that are, by the end of a semester or two, almost as close to you as your closest friends were at home but you've known them for a fraction of the time. Why does it work like that? I have a theory -- I think it has to do with friends at home knowing you for so long and through so many things that they think they understand you completely, and maybe they understood the 10 year-old you, or the 15 year-old one -- but by the time you're 18, you feel so different. And yes, have a good laugh any adults that might be reading this -- we 18-year-olds, young as we are, certainly feel like we know a good damn deal about the world. Anyways, these college friends -- they have a fresh perspective. They see you only when you get there, only when you react to these crazy new circumstances, when you get to pick your own classes and friends and hobbies and food and schedule.

But -- well, my college friends are pretty damn fantastic, and so are the folks I know in Germersheim, Germany. I just -- tonight's one of those nights during which I am in a constant state of realization of just how lucky I am.

It's pretty cool.

Happy 4th of July, folks.

"I'm shiny and I know it."

Hey.

To begin, I want to apologize for not writing here in a while -- I understand that it's not like I have a contract that says I have to write every X number of days, but still -- I missed this.

For the past couple of weeks, I've been in the throes of being home again -- dealing with a divided family, friends who would rather be with their college friends, lots of time in close proximity with folks that I haven't seen in months, changes in people's lives, and not feeling quite like I belong in this small town but feeling guilty for wanting to be elsewhere. It's complicated.

However, today, I reconnected with a friend who is so very dear to me, and she really brightened my week. The rest of this week is looking good, too. I've been going to rehearsals for my sister's play (Y'all can call me Raphael, mmkay? ARCHANGEL. That's right.) and tomorrow I get to attend the high school graduation, have tea with that dear friend of mine, and on Friday, even more things are planned.

And on Saturday, I'll be gliding over the Atlantic, going to see my girl once more.

--

I'm so lucky to live this life, even with all its craziness. Sometimes, for a split second, I understand that everyone that I know has a life that is just as complicated and confusing and beautiful and difficult and fascinating as mine -- I comprehend it for one moment -- and it blows my mind.

It's a damn cool world we live in.

Outcry

I was at the supermarket this evening with my mother, and upon walking into the check-out line, I was bombarded with unflattering pictures of actresses and actors that probably have enough on their minds without nasty paparazzi photos -- AND I was also hit from all sides by "Ways to lose weight!" "Melt that fat!" "Get your bikini body!" "Find out about the calories you could be cutting!" "Trim that belly!"

-----it made me furious. To think -- to honestly think about what that kind of advertising, those kinds of put-downs are doing to so many young girls in our country, in our world -- and probably boys, too (though for them, the pressure is to have a big penis and to have muscles, not just to be as thin as a twig). -- it makes me so mad. It's also frustrating because it's not really something that I can change about our culture as a whole. Sure, I can try to undo all the brainwashing in my mind that has accumulated over the years that tells me that thin is always better than fat, that being normal sized is basically being fat, that--that somehow this punishing society of ours is right.

I do need to try and fight that, but I wish I could fight it on a larger scale.

A darn good evening.

: )

So, tonight -- after the weird house-shuffle that must take place these days due to the separation of my folks, I played a multi-lingual game of cribbage with my mother. We tried it in English, French, and German, and had a grand old time. It put me into an einfach fantastic mood, and inspired me to create a makeshift table for my laptop in my room (fashioned out of an old locker-shelf ((one of the foldy, metal ones)) and an old pillowcase) and got me thinking about more things I can do over the next few days.

Also, for those of you interested in the countdown, June 2 is almost ending. I get to see my girl again on the 12th.

It's just wondrous. : )

Applying: SWF seeks LIFE

I don't do well with free time.
Summer truly isn't my season.

So far, this summer, I have worked for my father (cleaned a refrigerator, mowed the lawn, done general cleaning) and earned a bit of money, gone to a baseball game, read, and --- the reply from most members of my generation - I have gone on the computer, as I am doing now.

Today, I realized that some of my sort-of-sneaky bad mood that has been hovering for the past week was due to my frustration at not really having a life back here in this town. I miss going to classes, having places that I need to be, things I need to do. True, I'd don't think I'd be too excited to receive any homework at this point in time -- that's not quite what I mean. Many of the people that I would like to see are not in town. True, I have become reacquainted with the part of me that likes to read for fun, and that's been nice.

Anyways, starting tomorrow, I will actively seek out things to do. Today, I recognized my frustration early on, and in reaction to that -- I went on a run, took a shower, ate breakfast, mowed the lawn, went swimming, then went to a memorial day party, and NOW, I feel like I've done something with my day. Let's hope the trend continues.

After further consideration....

So, I think I mentioned that I wrote an actual post down while I was in no-internet land, but upon rereading it, I found it pretentious and dull and have therefore decided not to post it here. The basic gist was: Sometimes the shortness of my attention span when it comes to projects bothers me, I'm a snob about coffee and tea, and my daydreams sometimes come out like Hollywood-movie montages. That's all!

It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.

As some of you may recognize, the title of this post comes from Harry Potter (and the Sorcerer's Stone). I watched most of the first movie with my family tonight, and oh-DEAR did it bring back memories.

I have such vivid memories of sitting at my father's feet in my grandmother's apartment as he read us the end of the first book (he read the first three, I believe, out loud to my sister and I) -- the chapter that ends with "It wasn't Snape. It wasn't even Voldemort." -- and then the next one that starts with: It was Quirrell.

I was so completely taken aback! And I remember being excited out of my wits when they won the Quidditch cup in the third book, falling in love with the idea of the game as well as the idea of all the amazing creatures that were there -- and watching, in a way, as the books became so incredibly powerful in our world. That's something that fascinates me, really. The right ideas, the right delivery, and the right timing for it to come to the public -- all of those had to be in place for these books to take off with such a bang.

And then, watching the movie -- I remember so well seeing it for the first time, and being so overwhelmed by how wonderful I thought the music was. I still think it's wonderful.

It's just crazy to go back and see how much those books had an impact on me when I was younger. I'm happy they came out when they did.

--

Books are pretty darn amazing.

Hey ho, back in the 'Ville

So, I'm now back from a weekend-and-then-some jaunt to D.C. and other side of PA to visit various relatives. The trip was fun and informative (see a previous post!), and also quite tiring. I wrote -- yes, actually wrote down a post yesterday (in the land of no internet and no cell phone service) that I would like to write up soon, but not tonight. So, that's to come, and I just wanted to let everyone know.

Also -- I've discovered (or, well -- let's call this a hypothesis: based on evidence I've gathered yet not quite proven) that a person acting childish, or at all young, is highly dependent on how people treat the person in question. For example, I am very likely to act very young (or younger, anyway) if my parents are treating me as someone younger (not necessarily in a condescending way), but I am more likely to act older if that is the way I am treated. However, this does not go for all situations, one exception being when a person is having that Hollywood-famous conversation of "You always treat me like I'm a kid!!!" -- which, as the films tell us, is an extensive and frustrating conversation that will get you nowhere.

With that, I'm off to bed -- or, off to my novel. : ) Thank you, GB! The contents of your bookshelves astonish and awe me!

My (one) Grandma's Wisdom

I was going to tell you the context, but I think it’s funnier if I don’t.

--“We’re going to have to PAY someone in a suit of armor to get rid of it.”

--“Well, I wasn’t here to tell it where to go, you see – and you cannot let grape vine decide for itself.”

--“Well, rosebushes are man-eating beasts, and I’ve worked with them for 50 years, so I can say that.” ☺